Shit never ends

All I'm saying on the subject tonight. I'll have a mental breakdown if I write more :( 

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Never fucking ending. Fucking fed up.

Woke up this morning and threw up before taking my pills. After I ate a bagel with cream cheese. I kept it down. Then I ate oatmeal and threw up. 

After I was supposed to meet a friend. Before leaving the house I had a slice of meat and then left the house. 

My friend asked to meet me in an hour. So instead I went to the mall. I walked around the mall and started to feel dizzy. 

I ran to target, got a bag of chips, ice tea and Mac and cheese and a new purse (always a shopaholic).

I ran to the car and started eating a bit. I drove home and changed purses.

I then went to Tim's for coffee. I got an Oreo ice cap. I know not healthy but I don't care. 

I got home around six and wanted to make supper but I started feeling nauseous. I made my way to the bathroom and started puking my guts out.

--managed to keep down half an egg sandwich.

**stress alert** found out my aunt might have cancer. Emergency surgery will be next week.

I really don't feel well tonight. I can't think straight so imma sleep a bit. Night xx

Long day ---

Never know a title I should write.

So today has been an okay day. Stomach has been hurting all day and I still feel nauseous but I only puked as soon as I woke up in the morning and once again in the afternoon.

I puke when I eat and I puke on an empty stomach. It's like I'm never winning. I managed to eat some toast with a little bit of eggs today, some fruit, 2 spring rolls, oatmeal and popcorn.

Popcorn may have taken my body too far. I feel extremely gross from it and super dehydrated. With all the throwing up I've felt dehydrated as it is and I made it worse.

Also lately when I puke on an empty stomach it feels like my bladder is giving out. Very close to peeing myself when puking.

Actually my bladder has been screwed up today. I really had to pee before and went and not even a few minutes later I really had to go again. Didn't know my body could hold so much liquid in so little time. Every time I pee feels like my stomach contracts.

My intestines feel like they are giving out too. Lots of cramps and having to rush to the bathroom. I know it's not normal but not something that is fully concerning me just yet. However, the burning pain feels like I'm about to get my period.

I got my period a few days late, and it lasted 1 day. It was a painless very light flow for no time. Completely not normal for me. I'm one who has a heavy flow for 7 days with extreme pain. I don't know it I should have it checked out or not?

Anyways I'm exhausted and going to try and sleep a bit especially to sleep off this stomach pain now. Goodnight 

Update on weight loss progression so far

End to my day

Life saver food. Wasn't feeling well earlier after puking 3x (especially after spaghetti) I made the one meal that my body has yet to give up. Kraft dinner and it worked. Not only did I feel better I also kept a red velvet pop tart down after, 2 vegetarian spring rolls and now I'm waiting on if the cereal I just ate will stay down.

Cereal I ate was at 10pm. I wasn't going to eat it but it felt like my insides were eating me from the inside so I caved in.

Right now my focus is to get healthy. So that means eating what I want when I can (will keep trying all healthy stuff) until I know I can keep meals down. Once that starts happening then I will start back will all the healthy stuff. 

Also I did my first workout since Friday (Friday had a very good skate). I swam 80 laps in my pool.

Problem with eating now after not able to eat/keep anything down is the mind games my head is playing. 

I managed to eat the kraft dinner and the pop tart and my brain was telling me I need to hit the gym ASAP that I'm getting fat...after a week of not eating? 

I know today was a betterish day and I know tomorrow can be a bad day again. I'm tired of throwing up but it'll probably still happen for at least another week. Last year was 2 months before I stopped throwing up so I'm not holding my breath. 

Issues with sex drive

So embarrassing to even talk about some issues but it has to deal with the medical issues I'm going through. 

Lately my sex drive has been way off...actually scratch that it's been turned off. 

Nothing has been getting me going. It can take more then 15 minutes just to get an orgasm feeling no mind actually having one. 

Even if I do get the feeling it dies down after a few mins and I'm left frustrated. 

I'm beginning to think that my body thinks I have an eating disorder and this is why it's happening. I don't I just can't keep much food down lately.  I guess there are also many other reasons but we will see...

Day so far

Today has been a quiet day.

I woke up and was feeling nauseous but my stomach had a 20 minute delayed reaction before I started throwing up bile. 

After my stomach settled for the morning I took the first pill and sat outside for thirty minutes waiting to be allowed to eat.

My stomach feels like it's being eaten inside out. Yet no matter what I eat I can't keep it down. 

After 30 mins was up, I are half a bagel with some bio-organic cream cheese and a glass of lactose free milk. 

I managed to keep that down. I ate some salty chips when I felt nauseous about an hour later but my stomach was already too far gone. I threw up the chips.

For lunch almost right after I made half a cup of pasta with some spaghetti sauce and lactose free cheese. 

25 minutes later I ran to the bathroom and started throwing up again. My stomach now is still burning from the pain and I still can't keep food down? Is it ever going to be better?